My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
