Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
