i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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