dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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