I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
