It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
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Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
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Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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