Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Panties = found
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
