I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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