ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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