____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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