So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
