There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
