dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
