11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
