Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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