Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
