You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
