I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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