So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
