And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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