just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
