The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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