Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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