we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
