I think I won the penis lottery.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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