If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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