mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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