And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
