I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Can Purell be used as lube?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
