It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Drunk is not a location!
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