at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize