omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
