I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
