im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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