btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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