i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
