just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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