Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
