The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
