We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
