my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
