the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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