Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
