Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
