omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
