Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
