He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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