I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Randomize
