Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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