How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize