He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
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