I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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