I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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