apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
