I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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