i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
