some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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