I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
