He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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