I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
