hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
