Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
