Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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